“Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.” — Psalm 41:9 ESV

There’s a particular pain few people prepare you for—the pain of ghosted friendships. It’s when someone you love suddenly stops responding to calls or texts, not because of conflict but simply without explanation.

When the Calls Stop Coming

For our family, it wasn’t a distant acquaintance. It was a couple who had become like grandparents to our five children. We shared Holidays, vacations, sporting events, graduations, worship gatherings and countless family birthday meals together. They were woven into the fabric of our daily lives. We even shared a “family” group text thread….

Then, without warning, they were gone. Not only did they leave the church but totally walked away from our family. Calls went unanswered, no response to text messages. No goodbye—only silence.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, months into years, and still nothing. You see, it was 30 days of silence before there was any response to our communication and it was a simple text saying, “God has led us away from the church to another church.” I responded by saying something like- “I totally understand God leading you to another church but obviously, we have hurt you severely, please tell us what we did that hurt you so bad, and for you to go silent on our family, we want to do our best to correct it.” To this day- Crickets….

The hardest part wasn’t my own hurt; it was watching our children’s confusion. “Dad, did we do something wrong?” I had no answer.

The silence was deafening. Ghosting leaves you feeling disposable, unseen, unsure of what was ever real.

When Love Meets Silence

As a pastor, I’ve seen many kinds of pain, but relational silence carries a special weight. You start replaying every conversation, wondering if you missed a cue or said something careless. Sometimes people simply drift; other times, the Holy Spirit gently shows you that you may have been the one who hurt someone and didn’t realize it.

I had to stop asking only, “Why did they leave?” and start asking, “Lord, have I ever made someone feel this way?” There were moments He brought faces to mind—people I had lost touch with, relationships I let fade because the conversation would have been awkward or time was short. That realization stung.

The truth is, I haven’t always handled friendships well either. Ministry can make it easy to move on to the next person who needs care, forgetting that the ones who slipped quietly away may still be carrying pain I helped cause.

Psalm 139:23-24 became my prayer: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Learning to Grieve and to Repent

God used this loss not only to heal my own hurt but also to humble me. Grieving includes looking inward—asking where I might owe someone a conversation, an apology, or at least a word of gratitude left unsaid.

Some wrongs can’t be undone, but repentance can still bear fruit. I’ve learned to reach out when the Spirit prompts, even if years have passed. Sometimes people respond; sometimes they don’t. Either way, obedience matters more than the outcome.

Christ, who was betrayed and abandoned, never stopped initiating love. His mercy exposes my pride and invites me to live honestly before others.

Heart Check

• Have I been ghosted—and have I ever done the same to someone else?
• Who might need a humble message or a coffee invitation instead of more silence?
• What is the Spirit revealing about my part in the brokenness of relationships?
• Can I do better? Can we do better?

My Prayer

Lord Jesus,
You were betrayed and yet pursued reconciliation.
Search my heart. Show me anyone I’ve wounded by silence or neglect.
Give me courage to reach out, humility to repent, and grace to forgive those who’ve hurt me.
Heal what’s broken in others—and in me. Honestly Lord, I realize that we can do better. Help us!
Amen.